Growing Older

Dirty-Nine – Or I was so much older then, I’m younger then now

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Dirty-Nine: Or I was so much older then, I’m younger then now. 🎂

After all these years I still really like that Bob Dylan song, that the Byrds gave such a rocking melody to. Maybe not the most up-to-date song ever played on the radio, but then again I don’t really follow commercial radio stations and their endless promotion of violence and pornography, DWI lawyers, laundry soap and the government workers. Do anybody even listen to the radio anymore, or is just Mp3s they got decades ago from the Napster and it’s GNU equivalent? I do sometimes listen to the BBC or NPR in the morning for news bulletin, but I can’t stand the endless whining and boosterism of preferred liberal or conservative causes of the reporters.

Truth be told, dirty-nine feels no different then 38. But it comes with the satisfaction of knowing that you have made it professionally, that you are a valuable member of the team where you work, where my years of experience have paid off. Where the years of working tough roles with difficult clients and long hours, landed you the nice corner office with the brass lamp and wooden desk, a good salary and a fairly demanding job that requires me to think, be on my toes and make sure the information that my unit puts out is the best it can be. I might just be the deputy director, in the smaller office with the mismatched furniture, and less fantastic views, although least I’m no longer the most tenderfoot of directors agency-wide. There is always room for growth, although I guess it slows as you reach higher up. Of course my standards are relatively low – remember I grew up in a neighborhood where most people dropped out of high school, raised pigs and cattle to survive, lived in trailers and burned whatever they needed to keep warm or get rid of.

Many people who make the kind of money that I do might go out and buy fancier clothing, a new car rather then my increasingly rust-bucket big jacked up truck, a nicer apartment or house. They might go out and get a television or have internet at home. Or even turn the heat up above 50 or 55 degrees in exceptionally cold weather. They might have air conditioning or home internet. They might try to escape the self-imposed poverty, where I find myself still to this day essentially living paycheck-to-paycheck, where my bank balance at times reaches into the single-digits above the minimum, or even temporarily falls below. Where I try to avoid all unnecessary expenses, such as driving, buying expensive food in packaging I have to pay to throw away at the transfer station, or wasting money heating my apartment and planet too much. My poverty is because I’m committed to a better tomorrow, saving the maximum for retirement and future investments.

I am pretty much aware I am at my mid-point of my life, maybe even somewhat past the mid-point. After all, there is no guarantee of tomorrow, I have no idea if I will die crossing the street tomorrow, or have a heart attack and die at age 92. But 78 seems like a reasonable number, if you look at the statistics for somebody my age, my gender and my community. And I think the best is yet to come. Living frugally right now, means my expectations for the future are low, and even if the investments and savings don’t all work out in the end, I already know how to live with less, on a life with a much lower paycheck then what I am earning now. And if I die tomorrow or next week, well I look it at this way, I didn’t blow the money on a bunch of garbage that has to be thrown away the next day or in a few years.

One of things I’ve learned about buying shit is it never is really great. Most things break quickly, wear out and have to be taken to the transfer station to be hauled off to the landfill. Advertising is a lie. But dreams are always free and they don’t wear out. A focus on the future, saving and investing feels so good, as a dream and an idea can not break in one’s mind, as it is just a dream. Playing on the Zillow house shopping app, or #ManureMafia Tiktok is free and doesn’t wear out like physical shit. I have unlimited bandwidth and my phone is cheap. The number in bank and investment accounts are good to look at, even if in many cases they only exist on the screen, they can’t be easily converted into actual stuff, at least in the short-term without a big tax penalty, assuming the markets aren’t in the crapper. Not because I value money for the sake of money, or because it can buy a lot of shiny bling, but it certainly can at some point buy land, livestock and implements.

I look around and it seems like a lot of people have things much nicer then I have. They take fancy vacations, they have fancy houses and nice toys. A lot of people like resorts, I prefer drinking cheep beer up in the woods, having fires where I can burn sometimes sketchy shit while listening to country music 50 years out date. Okay, I have my big-jacked up truck with the camper shell, but that’s mostly my one guilty pleasure, probably that I wouldn’t do again. Many of the big spenders though probably make less money then I do at this point. But most people who earn good money are throwing it away — they have a full garbage can every week — while I have a better chance of having a secure future, even if things start to go terribly wrong in the world. And even if I don’t make it to that better tomorrow, at least I won’t have a wasted it all on bullshit and trinkets. If I were to spend my hard earned on bull, I’d at least want a manure spreader and hay equipment. As the Love of the Land Youtube channel puts it, cows make manure which makes more hay and manure. The truth of the midlife crisis when yo realize much of what people value smells like fermented silage.

Less then one year when I am 40 years old. It feels like I was just in my 20s a few years ago. But how fast we all go grow old. I am sure the 40s will be a time of change in my life. I probably can’t live forever in my dumpy old apartment I’ve had since graduating from college, it just keeps falling apart further and further, each winter a little more drafty and each summer more moldy. Heck, even my landlord is getting quite elderly, he might sell it to a developer who knocks it down, replacing the converted-horse barn apartment with asbestos siding for high-end condos. My slummy apartment seems so out of place in a neighborhood where they keep building vinyl-sided crap that yuppies dig. But it fits me well, with my hillbilly small town roots. Yet, I want to own my own land eventually, and maybe that will happen during those years. And not in the suburbs or with vinyl siding, which is root of all evil. I’d rather have goats fertilize my lawn then chemicals.

Maybe in my forties I’ll try out new career opportunities or even consider moving out west where I can burn whatever and own whatever guns I want, although it will be hard to pass on my job that right now pays such good money, and the work is rewarding and fun, even if at times the hours are long. But I’m well aware things change, and they don’t last forever. I can’t take the world of today forever for granted. That’s in part why I continue to expand my skills, learn more about data science, Python, R and GIS mapping — all good skills to build on top of my professional management, communication, research and political skills I build every day at work. Certainly having some money saved up and a frugal lifestyle opens up opportunities not otherwise available to somebody who actually lives paycheck to paycheck.

Who knows, a lot could change tomorrow or more likely not. By building a solid foundation for my future, and being content with life now without a lot of shit, seems like a reasonable plan as the days of the year tick away towards forty. The truth, is 40 isn’t that far off, especially when I think back that it’s been 21 years since I graduated from High School and a decade and a half since college.

Indeed, my hope is be mostly retired by 55, which is a little over 15 years away, to focus on my own land, my off-grid property, getting to know the earth and trying to protect myself from the disorder that is certain to happen with accelerating climate change. Our warming climate is not just bad news for our planet, it’s likely to make our country even more disorderly and divided. But that’s a thought for another day!

So yes, Happy Birthday, Dirty-Nine to Me! 🎂

No cake or sweets for me today, and it’s darn cold in my hoodie in my apartment, but I am fairly content with the way things are today, and know the best is still yet to come. Or if it’s not, I’m still satisfied with the way things are today, even if there is a rust and dust around my apartment, and it’s darn cold.

35 years to life

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35 years to life

They call then lifers were I work. People who put their whole career in with the state, from college to their retirement 30 odd years later. The organization man, as they say. While I have worked at the same job, downtown for more the 14 years now, I can’t imagine being there 30 years or living the life I’m currently living forever. I figure do my best every day today, save for a better tomorrow, and that some point make the leap.

I don’t value time enough

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I wonder if I don’t value time enough ⏳

I often wonder if I don’t value time enough. A common saying at work is you can always get more money but not more time. I am at the mid point of my life but I really find myself willing to prioritize money over time in search of a better tomorrow.

Money isn’t just a number in a bank or investment account. It’s not a Rolls-Royce or a fancy in-ground pool. It can be purchase used manure spreader. Or buy the land, the homestead, the tractor, implements and the livestock. It has some uses today but saved and invested much greater returns tomorrow. While there is no guarantee of tomorrow, it’s a risk I’m willing to take, as I have faith in the future, and the longer I wait the better tomorrow will be.

I admit that I sometimes go towards extremes to save a few bucks – consuming a lot of my limited time. But sometimes that time wasn’t going to get used at any rate. I forgo other things now that I might never get a chance to experience. But maybe it wasn’t something that I wanted after all. Investing, including in your future involves risk.

But also, I am no fan of outsourcing the necessities of life. Okay, I no longer change my own oil on my truck but that because it became such a problem to get the filter off the truck with all the caked on mud and dispose of the oil living in the suburbs. But I’d much rather cook my own food, camp in the wilderness rather than go to a restaurant or hotel. I’d rather haul my own bottles and cans to the transfer station.

You can pay people for nearly everything in your life today. You can pay for people to buy your groceries and clothing, haul your trash away, give you a ride around town – all things that save you time. But sometimes saving money is more important, and you have free time to spare in the present that otherwise would be wasted.

Maybe I don’t need to change after all 🤷‍♂️

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Maybe I don’t need to change after all 🤷‍♂️

At the beginning of the year, I set out to make some big changes in my life, determined to chase down the demons in my life and become a better person.

But maybe I was wrong.

For one, despite my skepticism and feelings at time of imposters syndrome, I am quite successful. I make nearly $75k a year, I have a beautiful office in a high rise downtown that overlooks the mountains. I am quite financially secure and are on a good track towards owning my own land and a secure retirement even if I reject the suburbanite way of life.

I feel fairly confident in my job, I’ve learned when I need to ask for advice and when I can make decisions myself based on presidence. I’m not quite as secure feeling in my management position that I’m still relatively green at but I feel like I’m learning the ropes. I think the skills I’m learning in management will be transferable to future careers wherever my path may lead me.

I like my vacations and trips to the wilderness, going to places off the beaten track where I can listen to music, shoot guns and have big ol fires and even burn my trash if I want. There are still some great wilderness areas off the beaten track. As much as I complain about putting money into my truck and keeping it up and running, I do like it and the weekends it takes me up to the wilderness. I also like exploring the back roads and seeing the rundown homesteads and farms as people scrape together a living from the mud and manure of the earth.

But on the other hand I feel much too insecure.

I worry a lot about money and saving for my future. Most two week pay periods I invest or save a little over $1,800 split between retirement accounts, investments and savings. After that money is gone from my bank account, it just always seems like money is tight.

And it just seems while I’m having fun there is so much others are able to do that I’ve never quite been able to master. Maybe it’s due to a lack of trying but it seems like so much in my life is a struggle.

When the Merry Go Round comes to an End. 🎠

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When the Merry Go Round comes to an End. 🎠

I have this friend, I’ll call Mr. Negative Nancy, who constantly reminds me that the good times and the good money that is rolling in with my job may not last forever. I’m making good money these days, more than my parents and siblings ever made. But with these good wages comes some more risk.

Yet, I’m not one to foolishly spend those wages. I continue to live quite frugally, in the same apartment I’ve rented back when I made nearly three times less than I do today. I keep a decent reserve in case of emergency while also trying to live as close to paycheck to paycheck in an almost poverty like fashion to ensure no money is wasted.

At the same time, I try hard to always do my best at work and continuously keep learning new skills both at work and on my own time. I like to think every day could be my last and I seek to build a record of accomplishments and relationships with my peers that some day I could call on every day.

If the journey ends some time in the future, I am just grateful for what I have learned, earned, saved and invested. I can’t change the past but I can build upon the sound founds of all I’ve done. But I realize that tomorrow is not guaranteed – so I try to do my best to minimize the risk to my future and maximize my benefit to the agency.

Lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety in my life

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Lately I’ve been dealing with a lot of anxiety in my life

When I Had Long Hair

I should be quite happy as on many levels I’ve been quite successful, making good money, having my big jacked up truck. But I’m not. Some of it was big promotion last year but a lot of it was just dealing with so much time alone in the pandemic and being stuck home all the time in my rundown apartment with the windows closed. I decided to reach out and take advantage of my health care benefits and seek the services of a licensed mental health counselor. $25 bucks a session but it’s giving me some ideas on how to be more successful in my own life, deal with some of my anxieties and fears. For one, it’s been a gut check – a reminder that I have it a lot better than many others and despite some minor setbacks and problems in my life, I’m not crazy and my relatively minor problems aren’t likely to be life threatening or even life altering. I probably could go on the way I’ve been going for years but I’d probably be better off if I added some changes to my life.

For one I’ve learned it’s not good to put off your problems to tomorrow. Now not every thing should be addressed today but I should prioritize things that are most cost effective to do today, that are at moderate to high risk of failure. There is nothing wrong with doing a cost benefit analysis, making sure not to over emphasize high risk but very low probability scenarios. I shouldn’t dwell on the worse case scenarios that are low probability, especially because with edge case scenarios you are probably focusing on the wrong risks as other edge case risks are more likely to trip you up. I’ve also learned that mental health isn’t free. Not just because counseling cost money but because it’s sometimes worthwhile to get something fixed because the noise or look of something annoys you or gives you anxiety. Not because it’s an immediate threat but because something feeds your negative emotions. That doesn’t mean fix everything that is broken – it’s fine to ignore low risk but costly to fix problems – but if it’s causing you anxiety and it’s not to expensive to fix than definitely take action.

I am told my pyromania is largely harmless as long as I’m not smoking out my neighbors or burning a lot of noxious stuff that is likely to get the fire department called. Some people never grow out of being fire bugs, and despite what the greenies might want you to believe, tossing the occasional plastic bottle or burnable trash in the fire isn’t the end of the world. In many parts of the country, out in the country its completely normal for rural households to burn most their kitchen and farm trash in a barrel out back. Ask folks in rural Maryland or Pennsylvania, it’s not just hard red states where folks can manage their own garbage. Radical acceptance of being pyro isn’t giving in or a sign of weakness. Sometimes it’s best to accept the facts as they are and let it be. Solutions don’t always exist for every problem, and when they do they may not be cost effective. Some things may not be worthwhile to address if they are doing minimal harm in one’s life. Even habits and odd behaviors that are non threatening and of minimal consequence do not have to be suppressed. And sometimes there is nothing wrong with distraction and getting out of a bad thought pattern. When you catch yourself going down hill, captured on cycles of negativity or obsession, it doesn’t hurt to sometimes find a healthy distraction. Move on don’t dwell on a distant threat. It doesn’t mean ignore a threat but lay it aside. Don’t let your worst fears bring you down as I’ve had so many successes so far in life and there are many successes in the future.

My therapist reminds me that the best way to get good at something is to do it a lot. Not obsessively but with practice. And while YouTube videos, social media and books are a good way to get book smart the best way to learn is hands on. If you want to be like people you idolize or a life you want to live, you should try to meet up and do things in person with such people. If I’m interested in homesteading, farming, off-grid living and even tiny houses I should try to meet up at events, tours and other chances to learn hands on. And if that means a little money invested in my future by learning valuable skills than it’s worthwhile.

I’m also told that I should think about settling down. Get out, try to meet a girl friend. I should look at sites like Farmers Only or similar places to find people who are interested in the rural lifestyle and come from a small town background like myself. Those who aren’t afraid of pig manure or bonfires, don’t mind being in the woods or the back country with the bugs and mosquitoes. Having an extra leg in the stool means both partners have somebody to fall back on and provide mutual aid. I can shovel horse manure, break ice in frozen water troughs or haul garbage to the burning barrel or slop to the pig pen in exchange for help when my truck breaks down or just needing companionship when I’m lonely or need some one to bounce ideas off of. I like my freedom. It’s kind of nice that I can come and go as I please. Do my own things when I want, shoot guns and have fires in the woods where I burn what I want. It’s nice working hard and having money for toys. But it would even nicer if I had the stability of a girl friend and eventually a homestead where we can produce our own food, make our own energy and have fires to burn debris and stay warm in the winter. My therapist is right, I can probably do it on my own but it will end up being a lot more difficult than doing it as a couple that supports each other as a stronger union.