But I don’t want to die.

Ever since I got that call from that nurse friend who was asking me if I was dying because of my weight loss and asking many questions about my diet and health status, I’ve been deeply troubled by that question that too many other people have asked of me lately either to my face or behind my back.

I went to the doctor earlier this week, ostensibly because I was concerned about having to take too many pee breaks on morning road trips since I’ve gotten into healthy eating especially in the season of so much fresh zucchini, watermelon, peaches and fruit go eat. Mom told me it’s probably just a bladder infection but I should get checked out lest it spread to the kidneys.

All the tests came back negative but the doctor told me I have to cut back on the morning coffee and make sure I’m having a glass or two of water with dinner. Still awaiting the results of the blood work but the doctor didn’t seem particularly concerned as all my other health indicators remain excellent. It’s probably $50 pissed into the toilet between the doctor visit and blood work co-pay. They’re busy I was told and not to expect any numbers back until Friday at the earliest.

Still I’m discomforted by this all. I’m in my forties, and this is the decade where things can go terribly wrong. What if it’s bladder or prostate cancer. Or another issue with the prostates. My mind quickly drifts into a dark place, questioning whether it’s my healthier food choices and more exercise – or if it’s masking something underneath. I mean I’m not eating much less – but these days I’m more stuffing my face with rice-lentils, beans, vegetables and fruits. Not the multiple pounds of cheese, glasses of milk and pounds of white pasta and ravioli. I’ve askewed much of the typical American diet for healthier options and I’m learning to cook but not in the junk food way popularized by the cooking shows.

At the same time, something more discomforting is happening in the world, time is passing by much too quickly. Too many friends and colleagues both of today and yesteryear have passed on. Summer seemed to pass me by in a blink of an eye. It was too much of an ordinary summer. And the world keeps changing though maybe not in ways I always find agreeable. I’m continuing to save and invest towards my tomorrow but money grows much too slowly. My future keeps being delayed in favor of one more investment, one more day of growth and development. And it’s not just money in the bank, but wisdom, skill and knowledge which I’m growing both professionally but also by learning on my own. My blog has been a major source of learning and growth for myself – if not for the blog I doubt I’d ever had become such a good R programmer or talented with QGIS.

I still have the dream of owning my own land but it’s not something I dwell on too much these days as it’s obvious in my mind that it’s still something I’m not quite ready for. And if I want to move to a Red State – that protects my second amendment rights doesn’t attack rural living like the socialists so gleefully do in blue states – I would have to give up my career and it would require a complete reboot of my life, lost connections of family and friends. With my parents getting elderly, I can’t walk away now never to see them again. My best course of action is to stay the course, keep advancing my career, skills and investments but I’m well aware such things involve risk and I might never get the chance to take advantage of all I forgo today.

That said, I’m deeply troubled by the week’s developments in the state. The $2.50 ammunition tax and $9 gun tax and having to wait for delays to buy is a major infringement on our rights, one the liberal press seems either seems gleeful about or otherwise ignore. It reminds me of burn ban which in a month was enacted in a very similar fashion 14 years ago. Or the many back country roads and campsites closed due to the demands of wilderness advocates, the loss of ATV trails, the bans on farm seeds and traditional sustainable farm practices. Most of these things don’t directly impact me but I know they’re so bad for my people and the rural communities. I think I’m so troubled by this all as I personally profit from these changes while the state goes to complete shit. I want to move to a Red State where I can have my freedom but I worry about running out of time. So every little health scare and loss of a loved one seems to strike a bit deeper at the heart.