Why am I afraid of everythimg? 👾

I often find it hard to be honest with the world around me. While it seems so easy for words to pour on out on the blog, I often are so much more guarded on social media and in person. I am often afraid of being seen as too much of ahayseed or a hillbilly, too conservative or too wild.

The other day in the office meeting, it was mentioned I wanted to be an off-gridder eventually, having that cabin in the wilderness, something simple rustic and more like a hunting cabin than a modern-plastic filled residence. But somehow I had to be so defensive, noting that off-grid houses don’t have to be simple or backwards.

It’s well known I live in a completely dumpy apartment in suburbs, and I don’t own a television or have internet at home beyond my phone – which at this point – at least in my imagination is not that much of a limitation. I’m more then willing to admit that publicly, but the off-grid idea seems too backwards to defend publicly in places beyond the blog where I control all parts of the content and formatting.

I keep telling myself I will get into the dating game, try to meet some nice girls, but I always find myself shying away, despite getting books out of the library on how to be a good dater. I use excuses like I’m busy, I’m up ni the wilderness this weekend, I don’t want to get tied down. But it’s mostly pure fear, the fear of rejection. I know I should brush it off – it’s the American way to write off loses, to throw away and declare bankruptcy. After all, our President is the king of bankruptcy and stiffing his creditors. Garbage dumps everywhere I waiting for your effulence, so just walk away, if the girl doesn’t want you, a million other exist. But I’m scared of commitment.

Maybe I’m just unsure about everything these days, lacking in confidence in my beliefs. Or maybe my ideas are very shallow and all that is worthwhile in this world is plastic and chemical – a series of monthly fees and canned entertainment on the television and internet produced by actors.