I keep repeating that phrase time and time again in my mind. Got to live somewhere, have a place where you get your mail and stay at least part of the time, close enough to work to commute back and forth. And I am blessed with a good job, that despite my complaints in my mind, actually pays quite well. Not that many people do make $100k a year, even if with inflation it doesn’t seem like what it once was. I know, I was studying the public pay records for the many people in my company — and looking at the region’s average wages. And I do good work, I have saved a lot money up, I can afford to buy a house with cash if I want. These are the facts.

I am going to look at that somewhat run-down, abandoned house next to my parents house out in the country Monday morning at 7:30 AM. I didn’t have to call the Realtor or make an appointment to look at it. But I did. It costs me nothing but time, and it’s a good way to learn about one option. I like the size and the price, and the idea of fixing up an old house. It’s right on the highway, which means the constant roar of truck traffic and borders my parents house. But easy commute for living relatively rural. It seems less moldy then my current apartment, and when you consider it’s paid for, much of what I am paying now in rent could go into fixing it up — adding a heat pump, solar power, etc. Big enough to have some livestock, next to my parents house so I could take care of them. But who knows if I can get it in this competitive market. Plus I don’t want to spend the next few days doing paperwork when I could be in the Adirondacks.

And I’m not sure I’m ready to settle down. I am looking forward to my next 5 days in wilderness, come Tuesday. I like being able to get away without animals to feed or property to take care off. Yet, at the same time, it feels so kiddish to be living in same run-down apartment I’ve had since being a researcher, making less then a 1/3rd what I make as a director now. I like riding my mountain bike to work, but how many adults do that? Plus I don’t really want to settle down in New York State, even if it’s where I am now with my job — one that I do damn good work at and are relatively well compensated at. Still, I neither like the options avaliable and I don’t like New York. I really want that off-grid property in a pro-second admendment state. But could I live there for a decade, building my career and skills, before moving on?

I really feel damned if I do, damned if I don’t.