“Trials never end, of course. Unhappiness and misfortune are bound to occur as long as people live, but there is a feeling now, that was not here before, and is not just on the surface of things, but penetrates all the way through: We’ve won it. It’s going to get better now. You can sort of tell these things.” – Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance, Robert M. Pirsig

A long time and insider I ran into the other day at the legislative building when I mentioned I’m now the Director of Data Services, she replied back, that’s pretty noteworthy, not many people make it to become a unit director. There simply aren’t that many openings. I kind of viewed it as silly little position with a big title but not much more they that. Even the hundred thousand dollars a year doesn’t seem like much with inflation, nor does overseeing two divisions of employees – word processors and data service staff totalling six people with a half million dollar budget. I get it, I’m not that governor of the state, overseeing a budget of $250 billion and a population of 20 million.

I know I’m damn good at my job, I know my way around the Unix text utilities and SQL to get things done quickly and with a knowledge of the R statistical language and other programming concepts. I know GIS and map making, I can parse and total data in ways others find amazing. But I don’t know all the answers and I’m not a developer or database administrator. I still have to often go hand in hat to the OADP unit that oversees the technical side of things. I wish I knew more but I didn’t get those advanced skillsor training in college.

I know I have earned it. If you told me I would be going on 17 years with the New York Assembly I would have found that hard to believe on what seemed like just yesterday when I was in college. The endless long nights sleeping under my desk, crunching numbers at 3 am, staying in motel rooms and people’s basements on campaign. The sometimes holding my nose and just getting the work done regardless how I personally felt about. I’ve learned much, become far more professional but it sure doesn’t feel that way at times. I’m 41 not 24 anymore, my hair is graying but I don’t feel like some of those mature adults you see and know.

Maybe I’m bragging but it doesn’t eliminate the insecurity I feel, how I’m not sure if I earned what I have. Or if what I do is important or if my salary is enough. I realize no matter your level of success you’ll always be comparing yourself to those a few steps above you, those living a life you dream of but can’t yet live out in the country.