Mental Illness

I am mentally ill, I guess 🤪

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You know that’s one of those terms I think about a lot these days. I like to point that out to my psychoanalysist, and he likes to point back to me, asking myself to explain what I mean by that.

It’s pretty easy to see a cut or a broken bone. You can test if someone is infected with the COVID virus or has the flu. Symptoms are pretty obvious. Mental illness is a much more complicated thing, if it really exists at all or is just in your head. There really is no right or wrong way to view the world.

One of the things I struggle with is figuring out whether or not a thought it mentally ill or not. What part is my beliefs, and which part is the illness? Are my beliefs right or wrong? But it’s not that simple. My analyst — and honestly most of the books I’ve read on mental illness point out — that beliefs are only harmful if they cause actual harm to myself or others.

I think part of my problem, is I don’t fully agree with the liberal consensus that is so dominate in Albany-area. But that also doesn’t make me a Trump-loving conservative. I believe in the right to be left alone, especially out in the country and in the woods. I believe in the second amendment and gun rights. I’m not worried about a little smoke in country — things that happen on the farm or in the wilderness are far less impactful then what happens in the cities, multiplied over thousands of people.

The Thing I Fear …

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Big Red Gets Towed Away

I really like the idea of going down to West Virginia and spending the majority of my week in the Blackwater Falls – Canaan Heights area. But it’s such a long trip, and it’s one that puts a lot of wear and tear on my big jacked up — and now old truck that turns 12 next week. How fast time goes! I know this trip is always the ultimate in stress test for my truck, with the long drives, the high speed, the hairpin turns, the hills.

My truck seems to be running well, but it’s been through 12 years of rough dirt roads and salt seasons. I’ll check the fluids and make sure there is no new noise or behaviors noticed over the coming weeks. I could jack it up and check for play in any of the suspension components, but I’ve not noticed any unusual behavior. I guess I could take it to my mechanic for an inspection but without much direction I don’t think it will be a help. But at the same time, I don’t want to spend a fortune replacing every component that is worn or kind of beat but will survive the trip.

I realize I continue to wage the last war in my mind. It’s no longer 2021 when I had issues that November, I have replaced both hubs and wheel bearings on the front of Big Red, and the lower ball joints and control arms at least one one side if not both have been replaced. It’s a longer trip then I can probably limp home, but worse comes to worse, I can stay in a hotel or rent a car for a few days. I’ll have my tent and bicycle with me that offers options. And I can’t live my life constantly in fear. I am on vacation to enjoy myself, not feed my anxiety.

Obviously, breaking down a long ways from home, having to rent a car or stay in a hotel is an expense. But it can be a new adventure should the worse-comes-to-worse, and it’s not like I will struggle for money, as in an emergency I can always tap various sources of money I have in various accounts, to say nothing about my credit cards. And it’s silly to get too worried about it, the last two times I broke down — one was stupid loose lug nut on summer vacation, the other the wheel bearing — I was able to get my truck fixed the same day and be back on the road a few hundred bucks less.

I should take the trip I want and not worry about feeding the anxiety machine, but instead sit back and enjoy life. And make sure I maintain a nutritious diet throughout my trip, so I can have a good healthy blood sugar, drive safely, make it to my destination, and relax at camp and all the fun things I do hiking and exploring on my mountain bike. Anxiety shouldn’t be paralyzing or keep me from living the life I want to live.

Why weren’t mental health resources offered to September 11th hijackers?

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I was listening to the BBC News last night and they were discussing the pandemic and it’s impact on suicides across the globe. The conclusion that the depressive nature of pandemic actually caused a reduction of suicides globally, because depressed people lack the energy to kill themselves. And they had then offered the standard boilerplate language about how help is available for anybody with thoughts of self-injury.

However, after the September 11th attacks, I can’t remember a single news report suggesting that mental health services are available, before hijacking an airplane, blowing up a building or killing people. I also can’t think of a crime story, be a murder or shooting, where they suggest to anyone thinking of engaging in murder or terrorism think again — that there are alternatives and that there are people out there willing to listen.

Why don’t they suggest that murders and terrorists step back and think about their actions before committing crime? It is is denialism upon the news media that we are no different from the terrorists, murders and criminals? Is it a belief that suicidal people are like ourselves while criminals are different? I think it would be good if news media would remind perspective terrorists and murders that there is alternative for their lives — to step back from the ledge and look forward to how they could improve their own lives and  the world too.

Psychiatrists 

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You know your in an affluent neighborhood in  Elsmere when there is a cluster of psychologists and psychiatrists along one street. 

They probably counsel people about their angry thoughts towards Donald Trump and towards those who don’t eat organic kale.