Lately, I’ve become really fascinated in paranoia. In part because they warn you that can be the result of a bad high from cannabis but also because I’ve started to wonder and think more about my own fears in my life – the catastrophic mind loop – I sometimes get myself into. If anything, smoking pot has made me less paranoid, but catastrophizing is nothing new in my life.

I listen to old Joan Baez records!
I sometimes hang out with old Weather Underground members (who had real reasons to fear the FBI at least decades ago before they turned gray and lost their teeth) !

The news media loves to warn you of all the dangers out there in the world. They show the worse of the worse, people who are hit by the city bus while crossing street to get a cup of coffee, or those murdered with a steak knife after they leave the bar after a few drinks. The media loves to make monsters out of mundane, find villains in every corner. Don’t forget the corporate executive who murdered their secretary with a steak knife. They don’t want to necessarily want to think your the monster or villain – that would be bad for advertising but they sure want you to be afraid of the other – usually colored or poor.

Truth is I don’t know if I am that different then other. I might not be colored or poor but I’m not that many steps away from either status. I don’t know I would decide if I was in Hitler’s shoes. Would I be the intensely moral person that Hitler was not? Could, despite my caution, be struck by extreme misfortune that can impact even the most successful and those who did everything right except for that one moment of indiscretion? What should I even be afraid of?

Maybe if you can mentally separate yourself from the other – the colored and poor – and go through life believing your not one step away form them, you could live a life of bliss until your crushed by that city bus. But I’m not so sure. While I doubt the police or other societal have time or desire to entrap and imprison me, that risk is not zero. After all, many institutions don’t like unconventional thinkers. But outside of my blog, I rarely talk or express my opinions that I do here. And it’s not like my attacks on institutions are specific or local, so it’s unlikely most will take them personally. I mean how much time do the Guilderland cops have to monitor me after attending a protest or two against a shopping center construction in the Albany Pine Bush four years ago now? Or recording audio of endangered bats in a darkened mall parking lot during a pandemic?

I could lose my job, my apartment, my truck, any of my material possessions and loved ones, and those would be set backs. The market could decline. But on the other hand, I’ve worked hard to build assets up in many different pots of money, and that’s a bit of freedom if other things in floor drop out. Most people fail when they have only one leg on stool, but if you have back ups, one failure isn’t as critical. Still I have my own fears, as I would hate to give up so much I’ve worked hard for over the years. And I am mostly well behaved so most people just ignore me and go on my way.

I can imagine that smoking pot would be a lot more paranoia inducing if you listened to Joan Baez’s Prison Trilogy. Or smoking pot while watching the news, rather then around the campfire or next to a babbling brook in the wilderness. But I enjoy the sparkles of the fire and fluttering of the leaves, a care-free few moments away from the Prison Trilogy. It’s a good record some 52 years later, but maybe not the sound track for a good life.

Ultimately, when the psychiatrists talk about paranoia, they aren’t talking about caring about social justice or even catastrophizing. There are people who believe absurd conspiracy theories and fears that don’t have any base in reality. The people who are on street corner shouting about Trilateral Commission or how the 2020 Election was stolen by 2,000 ballot mules. Things that are truly bizarre, rather then some ordinary screw up that can happen to the best of us, and can be very harmful one’s life if one doesn’t have a plan B.