I’m not a failure, I tell myself.

Yet it’s so hard not to feel that way at times, or that I’m at complete risk of loosing it all over some silly little thing. A fall so hard, that I will never recover, finding myself wandering the streets, struggling to stay alive.

I frequently will sit and stare at my business card, Andrew B. Arthur, Director of Data Services, Department of Communications and Information Services, New York State Assembly. I don’t know why I find it hard to believe but I do. I’ve worked hard to get to this position.

It was twenty years ago now that I was kicked at of the University at Albany for what was perceived to be threatening and abuse language in a passionate discussion of academic freedom. Maybe because I’m the only one who cares about freedom when most people would rather crouch in the corner, living in fear. Life would have been easier if I had said I was wrong, apologized, plead to a violation rather than he convicted of a misdemeanor crime and be forced to leave that college.

But I was resilient and able to build a better path in my life. I got myself back to school at Plattsburgh State, getting excellent grades and networking and volunteering everywhere I could. Learned a lot in Plattsburgh I would have never gotten from the big university, excelled in my internship, which I ended up with then Tourism chair Joe Morelle which connected me through with CIS. Volunteered and worked on many campaigns, and while I was passed over many times for promotions at first, eventually became an Assistant Coordinator, Coordinator, Senior Coordinator, Executive Coordinator, Deputy Director of Research Services and now the Director of Data Services. It took two decades to get here.

Yet, it doesn’t feel like much. There is so much more to do in life which is uncompleted. I still ride my bike to work most days of the week and when I’m not riding I’m taking the city bus to the shuttle to my suburban office. Still always looking to economize including on my bus fare. I don’t need to but I really don’t like driving into work, even with my office with acres of parking. I still live in that rundown moldy and drafty apartment in the suburbs, not because I’m forced to live there due to the relatively affordable rent but because it’s the life I want to live and I haven’t found the right place out in the country.

When I list things out and look at the hard numbers – what I have saved, my skills and knowledge, my work and future things really do look good. But it never feels like that. I see others who have gotten so much farther, have land and a life I’m jealous of them. I know often people live on less but I find it a struggle to get buy while investing in my future. Life is rarely simple or perfect.