Maybe I don’t need to change after all 🤷‍♂️

At the beginning of the year, I set out to make some big changes in my life, determined to chase down the demons in my life and become a better person.

But maybe I was wrong.

For one, despite my skepticism and feelings at time of imposters syndrome, I am quite successful. I make nearly $75k a year, I have a beautiful office in a high rise downtown that overlooks the mountains. I am quite financially secure and are on a good track towards owning my own land and a secure retirement even if I reject the suburbanite way of life.

I feel fairly confident in my job, I’ve learned when I need to ask for advice and when I can make decisions myself based on presidence. I’m not quite as secure feeling in my management position that I’m still relatively green at but I feel like I’m learning the ropes. I think the skills I’m learning in management will be transferable to future careers wherever my path may lead me.

I like my vacations and trips to the wilderness, going to places off the beaten track where I can listen to music, shoot guns and have big ol fires and even burn my trash if I want. There are still some great wilderness areas off the beaten track. As much as I complain about putting money into my truck and keeping it up and running, I do like it and the weekends it takes me up to the wilderness. I also like exploring the back roads and seeing the rundown homesteads and farms as people scrape together a living from the mud and manure of the earth.

But on the other hand I feel much too insecure.

I worry a lot about money and saving for my future. Most two week pay periods I invest or save a little over $1,800 split between retirement accounts, investments and savings. After that money is gone from my bank account, it just always seems like money is tight.

And it just seems while I’m having fun there is so much others are able to do that I’ve never quite been able to master. Maybe it’s due to a lack of trying but it seems like so much in my life is a struggle.