You know, you start to feel old when many of the clients you work for are younger in life then you are. And you have to at least compare your own life to theirs, the choices they’ve taken and paths you’ve not taken. You look at the targets of young voters, often 30 years and younger in age, and at age 41 that seems so long ago. You realize many of people you grew up with had kids who are now going off to college. You no longer are young.

Yet at the same time, I don’t feel all that old. I still live in the same run-down moldy apartment that I moved into after college. It’s not as inexpensive as it once was, but nothing is these days. I’ve had Big Red for 13 years now, and it’s been 17 years since I graduated from college and started working full-time at NY Assembly. I still spend many of weekends in the wilderness, camping, drinking beer, burning shit in the fire year round. I ride my mountain bike to work to save on the bus fare, and when I don’t ride, I take the bus. I never eat out, I try to cook economical but healthy meals, I do most of my shopping at Walmart and avoid driving around town whenever possible. I keep my heat at 55 degrees or lower most of winter, I’ve never had air conditioning.

But I’m the unit director, I tell myself. I make one-hundred “k” or about that amount. Even in these inflationary times, many live on far less. I could afford more luxuries. Though it doesn’t feel like much money as I’m putting every cent away I can towards a dream of owning my own land, having that off-grid cabin and homestead. But if I wanted to I could certainly afford a nicer home, one where rot means the door is literally falling off the building and the fight against the mice and mold is non-stop. Yet, I don’t care, I don’t spend much time here except in more coldest of winter days. But I don’t necessarily want better.

Truth is I am looking. I am trying to figure out what my options are. I hate all of the houses that are on the market, they’re all super expensive, super crappy, too long of commutes and most don’t have nearly enough land. And for as long as I stay with my good paying job that I know I do damn good work at and are proud of — I am pretty much stuck in New York. I’ve been studying building and buying houses, though at times I get so damn frustrated I just toss up my hands. I don’t want a vinyl-sided monstrosity in the suburbs with an overflowing giant garbage can (and mostly fake recycling bin!) out front, a manicured lawn, and a television and high speed internet is every room.

People say I should grow up. Or stop delaying my dreams for a future unreachable. I am probably over-invested in the market, a lot of my wealth could be wiped out if we had a prolonged depression. The thing is I just don’t like what the options are and I don’t like the idea of being any more tied to New York State for longer then I have to be. Certainly not past age 55 when I can start collecting state retirement benefits at the earliest. And it’s not like every week as I save and invest more my net worth isn’t increasing, so my options only get wider.

But at the same time, it’s inevitable that I’m getting older. And it hurts to see everybody getting on with their life, and I’m really only a few steps in my personal life removed from college, even if I am on a great career path, though maybe not with skills all universally transferable, especially to a small town type place where I would much rather live in a much cheaper and freer red state. I see people I know growing up country, with their families and their homesteads, and I’m stuck here in the suburbs.

Now I am not delusional and I see better days ahead. I open up my net worth spreadsheet, and put’s a smile on my face to see how much it’s increased over the past year with outstanding stock and bond markets, and high interest rates. While I often feel poor with inflation making everything so damn expensive these days, the high cost of land and housing more generally, I know that day when I am ready to have my own land, build that off-grid cabin I will be able to do it. It’s better to wait, and be damn sure to know what your jumping off to when you do.

Still I can’t help but seeing the time marching by much too quickly.